Did I Let It Go… or Did I Just Avoid or Dismiss It?

Mental Health Awareness Month Feature

Cassandra Stark

May 15, 2025

Sometimes it looks like we have “moved on.”
We are calm.
We are unbothered.
We do not bring it up.
We “let it go.”

But pause here.
That can be Security.
Or… it can be Avoidance dressed up like Strength.

Dismissive Avoidance Often Looks Like Security

People with a Dismissive Avoidant attachment style often present as confident, independent, and regulated.

But that “strength” can actually be a reflex to not need, not feel, not depend.

The tricky part is this: even you may believe you have processed something, when really, you have just closed the file and shoved it in a drawer.

Disorganized or Fearful Avoidants Can Appear Stoic Too

Fearful Disorganized attachment often comes with a lifetime of navigating volatility.

So in moments of grief, divorce, loss, betrayal—they may appear steady. Calm. Even unshaken.

But that does not always mean they are showing up Securely.
It just means their nervous system is trained to expect the storm.

Big Feelings Do Not Require Big Reactions

Let go of the belief that your emotion has to show itself loudly to be real.

Silence is not always avoidance.
But neither is it always peace.

So how do you Know the difference?

A Quick Self-Check: Am I Showing Up with Security?

Ask yourself honestly:

✔ Have I acknowledged my emotions, even if I did not express them outwardly?
✔ Am I creating space for those close to me to share how they feel, even if I feel differently?
✔ Am I asking questions and staying open to others when they bring up difficult topics?
✔ Am I tolerating emotional discomfort or differences without shutting down or checking out?
✔ Am I setting boundaries that feel clear, consistent, and kind—rather than building walls or holding grudges?
✔ Do I feel connected to myself even when I am not “reacting”?

Security is not about being “fine.”
It is about being present.
It is about making conscious choices, not rehearsed reactions.

You do not need to be loud to be real.
You just need to be honest—with your Self.

Being Secure in attachment means you are able to experience closeness, express your needs, set boundaries, and navigate challenges in relationships with a sense of emotional steadiness—not perfection, but presence.

It does not mean you never get triggered.
It does not mean you always say the “right” thing.
It means you are able to repair, reconnect, and return to your center—even after rupture.

Here’s what it often looks like in practice:

What It Means to Be Secure in Attachment:

✔ You can ask for what you need without guilt or shame—and without demanding others meet it exactly as imagined
✔ You allow others to have their emotions without needing to fix, absorb, or avoid them
✔ You are not afraid of closeness or independence—you can do both
✔ You tolerate emotional discomfort and see conflict as something to move through, not proof that the relationship is doomed
✔ You trust that your worth is not defined by another person’s reaction to you
✔ You hold boundaries and connection at the same time
✔ You can be wrong without collapsing, and you can be right without needing control
✔ You respond more than you react

Security shows up in the small choices:

Staying in a conversation even when it is hard
Letting someone in without overexplaining yourself
Saying “I need space” and trusting you will still be loved
Not interpreting every silence as abandonment
Not interpreting every need as a burden

In BeMo, we say that Secure attachment often grows when you are willing to Feel, Deal, Reveal, and Heal—when you stop waiting for others to give you the relationship you always needed, and start choosing to give it to your Self, one step at a time.

💬 Community Question:
What does showing up with Security look like for you right now? Is there an area of your life where calm has felt more like avoidance? Discuss in the comments below.